6 more days to go and I'm done with working full time.Mixed emotions. Speaking of which, as the school week draws nearer, my fear increases (of course, the fact that a certain someone is abandoning me by withdrawing before school even starts makes it worse than it already is); I'm in deep shit - getting way too used to a non-school life.Urghh.
*** And I have so much to say but I can't let it out. Cal kept asking me to talk to her about it so that I will feel better, putting things out in the open but I can't bring myself to do it. Simply CAN'T.Trust me, I'd love to tell her how I feel and all, but...There's just too much at stake. 7 years of rock-solid friendship. No way am I risking it.And I'm never good at "thrashing things out".NEVER.Too many "what ifs" on my mind. Not that things are smooth now anyway; we've been drifting apart for the last couple of months and it's obvious (at least to me). We don't even have much to talk about now when in the past we can just talk and bitch about every single thing under the sun, even the most insignificant thing, or we'll just cook up something stupid and start laughing like nobody's business. Honestly, I have no idea what happened and I've done pretty much everything I could in the earlier stages of this "disintegration" to salvage this, by initiating meetups and all but of course my efforts never did worked out the way I'd hoped it would. And like I said previously, I'm so sick of this; it takes two hands to clap and I can't save this friendship alone, as much as I want to.
I do understand that she has her own life now that school has started and all. That's why I'm trying (too hard) to feel nothing. Unfortch, I failed. And I'm making my own life more miserable by thinking about this often, coming to the same end result each and every time - I can STILL DO NOTHING about this situation. Yea go ahead and smack me and bring me back to my senses. Shoot me even, if you want. Now you see why I can't thrash it out with her? It's too complicated an issue (for me anyway) and I don't want to be the one who brings this friendship down. It will kill me.The ones I've talked to about? They are just shocked. I think they expected too much out of this friendship, set high standards and assumed it's highly unlikely that problems will surface between me and her. I can't do much but to embrace this situation with open arms, and it IS breaking me down.
Real depressing stuff huh.Okay, I shall cease whining.Anyway, I wanted to post something about the Master of Stepovers (see the title?), but ended up posting the most depressing entry of my life. Sorry bout that.Now I truly don't have the mood to post anything about football, not even football(!!!), do you realise how suicidal I'm feeling right now? I shall go cool off and clear my head, then maybe add on to this post when I'm done purging the evil negative thoughts out of my head.Later~*add on @7:00PM: I'm putting up 2 seperate posts instead
